Clarity follows Curiosity follows Sincerity

The Artist-Creator’s Office (Dispatch No. 14)

I’m in a space within my creative practice that feels like that moment before you jump into a deep, cold body of water. As I muster courage to pursue what is calling me into this depth, I am reminded of the need for sincerity as I, and many others like me, walk this path. Often, I find myself turning to external sources to affirm that my experiences are leading up to a “greater” level of success. I want to hear that I should keep cultivating a deeper relationship with my creativity because it will all make sense eventually. But the life of an artist-creator is a life of curiosity. And curiosity invites us to pursue it without shame and with courage holding our fear.

Increasingly, I am attracted to sincerity because I believe it to be a foundational aspect of maturity. For adult artists, one of the pitfalls of the creative industry is the ways we are invited to participate in exercises of insincerity. I see this is many of the applications we fill; I see it in the way they ask us to conjure reasons why we are sooo excited to work with a specific organization or describe ourselves as artists avoiding the deep, personal aspects of why we make what we do. And truly, I believe there is a place where sincerity and hypervisibility (like the kind instigated by social media) cannot coexist. Sincerity is the energy behind integrity, I think. It’s something that’s present and motivated by the beingness of a person, not primarily by what others expect us to be or do.

If I could be sincere, I would say: I am struggling with tremendous emotional pain and the will to live is hard-won many days, let alone the will to write. I am proud of myself and I have never written a poem I didn’t like. I am not financially stable and the only thing keeping me afloat as a creative is the occasional lucky break and my partner’s support. I work in a way that is supportive of my energy levels and I love that for me. I have cycled out of my faith as a christian and I find myself spiritually ambiguous more often than is comfortable. I am now deeply connected to Love and Life in a way that felt inaccessible before leaving the faith. Also, I want to write simpler essays and read harder books, yet I find myself writing in abstract terms and re-reading material I’ve already grasped to avoid challenging myself. But I will navigate this too. These are all things which impact my ability to stay curious, which I would never put on an application, which I second-guessed including here.

External sources, such as those accessed via the internet or through books, are great, especially in a society as relationally desolate as ours. But, increasingly I imagine that artist-creators like myself would benefit more both from a more committed practice of self-understanding as well as a more localized artistic community of authentic friendship. As it stands, it is inevitable that when you throw a bunch of creatives together, there will be social hierarchies, cliques, and unequal power dynamics. I genuinely hope we can begin to transcend these tyrannies we swallow day by day until we find ourselves held in an embrace that calls forth our truest selves in all their humanity and divinity and everything in between. Also, remember: “Despite how open, peaceful, and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you, as deeply as they’ve met themselves. This is the heart of clarity,” says Matt Khan. As I wait on others to transcend, how deeply have I met myself?

“Her quest for self-affirmation almost always begins with this point of awareness and develops as she qualifies her individual character, nurtures her self-esteem, recognizes her desires, and defines the nature of her relationships with other people. In so doing the black heroine must relate to herself, others, and the world around her with increasing clarity. This may appear to be simple and ordinary, but is actually quite complex and demands intense introspection,” Claudia Tate reminds us in Black Women Writers at Work. I place such a premium on sincerity because it is the only avenue to understanding oneself and eventually caring for and, finally, loving oneself. There is no way we can go about being with ourselves and creating meaningful art is we shy away from the true desires, emotions and experiences we have.

What I’m continuing to grasp is that this “increasing clarity” is not a fixed point which we arrive at at a specific moment in time. It is multiple checkpoints on the road of curiosity. In a note to myself, I said, “Let clarity find you following your heart.” When we get sincere about the desires of our heart, then we begin walking in step with what will fulfill us. My fear is that I often go about this rendezvous with hidden motives: isn’t that funny hiding your motives from your journey with your own heart? Every day, I come to find out that understanding is the best gift that I could give myself.